Forward Into 2016

On this New Year’s Eve I am feeling peaceful.  Like the tides, our ups and downs roll in and out.  I grit my teeth (and cry) and bear the hard days as best I can, and on the good days I try to soak the happiness into every cell and fiber and store it up for the next low.  

Christmas was magical.  I tucked everyone in and then stuffed present after present underneath our tree.  Not a single gift was purchased, wrapped or even thought about by me.  And the tears flowed as I sat on the couch munching on Santa’s cookies and surveying the pile of generosity on my living room floor.  It was such a metaphor for how my whole life has been since David’s accident.  Me, hanging on by the skin of my teeth, doing what I can to hold the fraying corners of our life together, and begging God to help us through this.  And Him answering, filling in the gaps, pouring goodness into all the holes I can’t fill.  But He doesn’t do it personally.  He sends friends, family, acquaintances and complete strangers to do His work.  To be His hands, His voice, His succor in our time of need.  And to stuff presents into the empty space under our Christmas tree so that we could see the magic of Christmas morning on the faces of our babies.

I am trying to keep some sort of track of the good that people have done for us, but I know there is no possible way for me to remember everyone and everything.  There is just too much, and too many.  But to all of you who have answered the prompting to reach out to us in love in any way, please know that my humility and gratitude towards you reaches to depths I never knew possible.  Our life is hard, but without you it would be unbearable.

It’s hard to explain specifics about what makes this stage of things so difficult.  And I have mixed feelings about how much detail I should share on the blog, for many reasons.  Some things are not hard to express, like the pressure of how to manage a hundred different doctor/therapy appointments, while trying to make sure our kids are not neglected physically or emotionally, helping them to understand why their Daddy is different, helping David to understand why he is different, trying to find ways to avoid high-pressure situations while still being able to have fun, anticipating and strategizing for breakdowns (his, mine, the kids’), finding and sticking to a routine and sleep schedule that works well for everyone, keeping the rental business functioning, squeezing out enough attention for everyone to feel loved and heard, trying not to allow the uncertainty to sink me into depression, all on top of the normal every-day demands of cleaning, feeding and mommy-ing that I barely managed to accomplish on any given day, even pre-accident.  Oh yeah, and baby is due any time in the next 2-3 weeks.  There are so many things that are falling through the cracks that I can’t even think of what they are.  All I know is we are living on prayers (and on my mom, and on all the good people who step in and take care of us) and little by little learning how to be together again, while celebrating all the small milestones and all the small moments of goodness.

And every day counting my blessings that David is alive, he is home with us, he is progressing and we are not left utterly alone.  We have a new year ahead of us, of struggle and of learning, of patience and change, of humility and hope and failure and triumph.  I can’t say I’m excited or eager, but forward is the only way through and I resolve to keep us moving in that direction, with the guidance of He who sees the end from the beginning.