On the one hand David’s improvements continue to astonish me. He walks without his walker (though I still make him use it for fear of repeat injury from falling), he uses the bathroom consistently unless he is in a very deep sleep, his speech has improved to the point that he can hold conversations, he has successfully navigated a short flight of stairs up and down unaided, he remembers and shows concern for the well-being of our kids, he has a sense of humor and shows a full range of other emotions. I think back to last week and feel like he has made leaps and bounds of progress.
On the other hand he does not always know who I am. I asked him today if he knew my name, he did. I asked him if he knew who I was and he said “Some girl.” I told him I was his wife and we had been married for 8 years. He laughed and told me that wasn’t possible. I showed him our wedding picture and he just smiled and said “Whatever.” Funny. . . sort of. He does not know why he is in the hospital, which is understandable, but it causes him to be confused and frustrated and angry when he is told he cannot leave. He can be reminded of why he is there and be reasoned with to a certain point, but quickly becomes confused and agitated about it again and again. His responses to questions or conversations are sometimes appropriate, and sometimes very childish and nonsensical. It’s like he is some strange version of David who looks and moves and acts like David, but is not really him. It makes my own brain feel like it’s second-guessing all the time, and I have to keep reminding myself this is a normal stage to go through.
David had been asking me all day long today when the kids were coming. I kept telling him around 3:00 but his sense of time is still nonexistent. When they did finally come he lit up and wanted to hold them and hug them and play with them. They are both still somewhat afraid of him and confused at how different he seems. It’s so hard because it’s important for David to feel loved and accepted by our kids, but at the same time would be so damaging to force them to show affection that they don’t necessarily feel towards him as he is now. I brought a ball and had them break the ice a bit by throwing it back and forth to each other. Play is probably the best way forward here and I’ll have to think of more things they can do to interact without causing strained feelings either way.
When it came time for me and the kids to leave (we had to go pick up my sister at the airport, hallelujah) things got bad pretty fast. In addition to asking about the kids, the other thing David continuously asks about is going home. When we were leaving and I was trying to explain to him for the millionth time why he had to stay. . . . he started crying. He said he didn’t know why he couldn’t leave and that he hated it there. He just wanted to come home with us. And I couldn’t hold it back and just started crying with him. If he only knew how much I just want him to come home, how much I just want for this to be over and for us to be a family again, how much I need him and miss him and feel so lost and weak and depressed without him. But he can’t understand right now. And it tears me apart to think of how confused and distressed and trapped he must feel.
And so, while I am elated with the great strides of progress being made, I also feel in some ways that we are entering deeper and more troubled waters. David continues to increase in consciousness and awareness, and yet is still so incapable of remembering and comprehending so many things. Seeing him suffering like this and having no real solutions for him has the potential to break me in new and terrible ways. I am clinging to the feelings of peace and assurance that I have had that this will turn out ok, but it is going to be one wild ride and I have this feeling that things may get worse, maybe a lot worse, before they really get better.
Loves from Z
Loves from J
Roaming the halls (PC Heidi Scott)
How frustrating and exhausting this phase is. Wish there was more to say than it takes time. Which you already know.
ReplyDeleteDoes the hospital have a wagon you can use to let David pull the kids around in?
Have David and the kids go on a bug hunt. (Is David still allowed to walk around outside? Or are they worried he'll make a run for it?)
I wonder if you can get David to figure out who you are by asking him, who the kids are, who's their father, who's their mother. If he answeres those questions correctly. Then ask if he's the kids Dad, and you're the kids Mom, then that must mean ...... ? That you two are married, making you his wife.
Or talk about trips you took together. Leaving out bits, and let him try to fill in the blanks.
Just a thought.
Still praying for you all.
Carol
Our fasting and prayers are working! It will take a while, but I've also had the peaceful feeling that Dave will heal. Much love and continued prayers for you both.
ReplyDeleteDear Jenne, Your feelings have to be related somewhat to your 8th month of pregnancy and to the extreme stress and tension of this past month. Let love dominate, God's love, and the love from all of us...your fans. Sounds like another hard spot is yet to come. Keep courage alive, patience in thought, and peace in your heart. Big hugs, Mary Lou
ReplyDeleteHi Jenne, this is Lisa, David's aunt. Don't give up Jenne. I know this is so scary. So many unknowns. This might be the hardest fight of your life. This will make you strong. Stronger than you ever knew you could be. You are fighting for your family! Your family! I know you feel alone. Scared! Hold close to Heavenly Father. Hold to Him the way you want to hold to David. Don't let fear take over. You are a wonderful woman. Heavenly Father loves you and He loves David and your children. You are not alone. He is watching over you. Turn to Him to fill the emptiness you feel inside. He will comfort you and give you clarity of mind. Our family loves you Jenne. We are so grateful David has such a wonderful wife who loves him, who cherishes him. We are thinking of you, praying for you, mourning for you. We love you Jenne. Love, Lisa
ReplyDeleteHi Jenne, we are still reading your updates and praying. Yesterday our family fasted and prayed for you and David both. We have been specifically praying that David will remember you and call you by your name, and that his personality and memories will be fully restored to what they were. We are asking Heavenly Father to keep working miracles on your behalf, and to please work them quickly if possible before baby comes. We will continue to pray fervently for these things. We love you. Xoxo The whole Plicka family ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteDear Jenne: Carol's creative hospital ideas brought back memories of when my youngest son was four. About 16 years ago he broke his femur jumping on the trampoline with his four older brothers. The two of us spent nineteen days in the hospital, nothing compared to what you have spent and will spend. They had his leg in traction for all but the last two days, when his bones were finally stable enough to do surgery to put a body cast on him. While we were there, of necessity, we came up with quite a few things to do to entertain an active 4 year old boy, who was forced to lie down in bed with his broken leg hanging in the air. Believe it or not, we played hide and seek using his blanket and pillow to hide him:) I had a preschool game with colors and shapes that we played matching and memory games with. I also had several other preschool card and board games that we played. When my older boys came they needed to be entertained as well, but they imagined up their own activities... They made balloons out of exam gloves and played "volleyball" and "catch" with those. They also blew up the gloves to put on their heads to look like roosters and drew silly faces on the gloves. They became an "armpit band" using straws to blow into their armpits to make "music" for the family and the nurses. They also used their "armpit band" to play tricks on the nurses with their whoopee cushion-like noises:) One time one of them hid the straw under his shirt and waited until someone walked by in the hall and then he bent over for a "drink" at the water fountain and blew into the straw in his armpit to create his "noise" to see what kind of reaction he would get from the person walking by! Giving reports of their adventures kept themselves and their little brother entertained! We also did a lot of coloring, drawing and Etch a Sketch. Maybe some of these activities would be ones your kids and David would enjoy, if you haven't tried them already. Probably avoid the "armpit band"...that's a young boy thing:) Unusual and creative antics are imagined up to try to help pass the time in the hospital! I hope at the very least, this put a smile on your face for a little bit:)
ReplyDeleteYou all are in my prayers and I keep you on the temple prayer roll. I'm encouraged by the improvements David is making, but I am so saddened that you are having to deal with such heartache and change. Keep your faith and let the Savior's love wash over you and your heart as He walks down this path beside you and let Him continue to carry you through the unknown. Your testimony of and faith in the Savior will be your light in the wilderness and will continue to help you navigate these deep and troubled waters. With lots of love, hugs and prayers, Kindra
This must be so hard. Wow. We are praying and fasting for you guys. Hang in there!
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