Change

Everything changes.  Some things change slowly, with the gradual trickle of moments into days, weeks, years.  Other things change with shattering speed.  Nothing on this earth is permanently fixed, immune to change.  Even things of eternity: love, family, faith, spiritual stature, are always changing, growing.

I woke up a little before 2 am last Friday morning feeling sharp, crampy pain in my lower belly.  Thinking it was just my full bladder pushing against all my other squashed internal organs I got up and went to the bathroom.  No blood, no signs of labor.  I’d been to the doctor Thursday morning and was at 1 - 2 cm dilated, and 50% effaced.  My cervix was very posterior, indicating labor might be days away still.  The problem with obstetric statistics is. . . . they don’t always mean anything.  

I climbed back into bed and had another crampy wave a few minutes later.  Still not convinced it was labor, my water hadn’t broken like it had with the other two, and this felt different than I remembered.  Thursday afternoon David and I ditched the kids and went walking up our “labor hill.”  The OB’s were all very concerned that I was a week overdue, they were talking about inducing, so we went walking to try to get things going.  The particular hill we climbed put me into labor for Z, and got things going for J as well.  It was worth a shot.  And it was a very nice day, and pleasant to be out in the woods just the two of us.  And it helped me to sink into readiness for baby to come.  I couldn’t stay pregnant forever, right?  But I had been so preoccupied with . . . everything. . . that I hadn’t had the time to enter that “ready” state of mind.

I kept an eye on the clock and timed the cramps, which were becoming warmer and harder.  They were coming about 5 minutes apart and once they got to the point where I couldn’t lie down through them any more I decided it must be time and got out of bed.  I had a moment of panic.  How am I supposed to keep everything in our family functioning with a newborn?  How would I be able to manage to keep everyone on an even keel through this transition, which under the best of circumstances would be hard?  But the panic passed as another wave came and I forced myself to feel it, to welcome it, to relax into it.

I told Z I had a tummy ache and she should go back to sleep.  Of course, she somehow knew something was going on and was wide awake, though she did listen and stayed in bed.  Then I walked outside onto the deck to call my midwife.  I thought I was being stealthy but somehow David sensed there was someone out there and came to investigate.  I told him I thought I was in labor but he should relax, could be a while still before things got interesting.  It was about 230 and at that point my contractions were about 2 minutes apart and just under a minute long, gaining strength all the time.  The midwife got underway and I went back inside and tried to find a comfortable place to labor.  My other two labors I was able to find a comfortable spot to be still and allow the contractions to come and go, entering a magical state of suspended time and being.  This time I was uncomfortable no matter where I was.  I thought it was my psyche still battling all the worries in my mind, and I predicted that that would make things take longer and harder.

I leaned on the kitchen counter, knelt backwards on the couch, stood upright, rested on a stack of pillows on the bed, nothing felt good.  I went to the bathroom and sat on the toilet through a couple of contractions, starting to moan through them.  David came in and I told him he might want to start setting up the birth pool.  He started to blow it up and came back in to tell me Z wouldn’t go back to bed.  I told him to call his mom to come get her, things were starting to get intense.

I moved from the toilet to the shower, where I stood with the water on my back, leaning on the shelf and yelling through contractions.  At the height of one particularly hard one my waters burst under the pressure.  The fluid that came out was clear, a good sign, and I checked to make sure there was no cord prolapse.  No cord, and the presenting part felt like a head, but I thought I could also still feel some cervix around it.  At that point the thought came to me that David needed help. . . it was too much to get the tub filled, get Z out the door, get the camera set up, and get everything else ready.  So I turned the water off and got out, intending to call my doula to come help.

All of the following events happened simultaneously:  David’s mom came to pick up Z, so David was at the door handing her off.  My doula answered her phone at 4:03 am, and I just had time to say “Hey, it’s Jenne, I’m in labor.”  A massive contraction seized my whole body and all I could do was drop the phone and scream through it.  I felt baby’s head move down, too fast.  I expected the contraction to let up and allow the birth to happen gradually but it just kept going.  I was standing next to the bed, one hand on the mattress and the other hand feeling the baby’s head emerging.  I tried to slow it down, to breathe through it, to relax, but there was no rest.  I had no choice but to surrender and scream as her head pushed its way all the way out into my hand.

The contraction ended and, stunned, I called out “David!  Baby’s coming!”  He ran back into the room and supported baby’s head.  I checked for a cord around her neck and felt nothing.  I just had time to crawl onto the bed with David’s help before the next wave overtook me.  On hands and knees I yelled and pushed back gently on baby’s neck.  Her front shoulder popped out, followed by the rest of her warm body, and she landed in a gush of fluid on the bed, David guiding her and making sure she had a soft landing.  She immediately cried out, and after a moment of catching my breath I asked David to pass her through my legs up to where I could see her.  I rubbed her down with a towel to get her to breathe, but she was already fully breathing and crying.  In the dim light I could see she was a girl!

The midwife arrived as I was toweling her off.  Her assistant arrived a few minutes later, followed by my doula.  David cut baby’s cord and the placenta came out after some effort.  She was weighed and checked.  9 pounds, 22 1/2 inches long, 14 inch head.  

And so our family of 4 changed to 5.  And the slow clock of growing up began ticking for another of our babies.  I do my very best to drink in all the moments, to appreciate every good thing as it is, as it will never be again, because everything changes.  It’s difficult and glorious at the same time, and I’m learning that it is the way God intended it to be.

A Conversation With My Former Self

If I could reach back in time and have a conversation with my struggling self in the Neuro-ICU almost 2 months ago I would tell her that miracles happen.  That God has seen fit to return David to our life.  That he can accomplish all of his activities of daily living with essentially full independence.  He feeds, dresses, toilets and bathes himself.  Brushes his own teeth, walks up and down stairs, cooks meals, buys things at the store, speaks understandably, plays games, reads stories to our kids, attends church, cracks jokes, helps clean the house, keeps decent track of time (most of the time), has clear opinions about things, can balance on one foot, follows and participates in conversations, feels a full range of emotions, remembers things that even I forget.  He knows who I am and . . . he loves me.  He has an understanding of what it is that happened those two months ago, and sympathizes deeply with all that I and our kids have gone through during the excruciating time when his life, our lives, hung in uncertainty.  He worries about us, about our safety and well-being and happiness.  His desires to contribute, to provide, to protect and to participate in leading our family are intact.  He smiles, he laughs, he catches crabs on the beach, he plays with our kids.  I would tell my Neuro-ICU self that there are things about him that are different, that are hard.  But I think my former self would be too overwhelmed by ecstatic gratitude to pay much attention to those things.  She would probably laugh at me for even bringing them up.

The problem lies in the fact that if I had been able to speak to my former self and put her mind at ease, to remove the pain of unknowing, I would have also removed the need to exercise faith, and thereby would have deprived myself of precious gems of truth that I now possess.  I am still discovering many facets of my character, my understanding and my testimony that have been changed, strengthened and clarified by the acute phase of this ordeal.  

If I could communicate now with my future self and be rescued from the uncertainty that still clouds my view of our future, would I choose to have that conversation?  Probably.  But one small piece of what I have learned is that “faith in God includes faith in His timing” (Neal A. Maxwell).  And I don’t doubt that the pain and the struggle and the patience and the faith that are required of me at this time will result in the acquisition of more precious truths and more changes and more growth that our Father desires to give me and my little family.

Forward Into 2016

On this New Year’s Eve I am feeling peaceful.  Like the tides, our ups and downs roll in and out.  I grit my teeth (and cry) and bear the hard days as best I can, and on the good days I try to soak the happiness into every cell and fiber and store it up for the next low.  

Christmas was magical.  I tucked everyone in and then stuffed present after present underneath our tree.  Not a single gift was purchased, wrapped or even thought about by me.  And the tears flowed as I sat on the couch munching on Santa’s cookies and surveying the pile of generosity on my living room floor.  It was such a metaphor for how my whole life has been since David’s accident.  Me, hanging on by the skin of my teeth, doing what I can to hold the fraying corners of our life together, and begging God to help us through this.  And Him answering, filling in the gaps, pouring goodness into all the holes I can’t fill.  But He doesn’t do it personally.  He sends friends, family, acquaintances and complete strangers to do His work.  To be His hands, His voice, His succor in our time of need.  And to stuff presents into the empty space under our Christmas tree so that we could see the magic of Christmas morning on the faces of our babies.

I am trying to keep some sort of track of the good that people have done for us, but I know there is no possible way for me to remember everyone and everything.  There is just too much, and too many.  But to all of you who have answered the prompting to reach out to us in love in any way, please know that my humility and gratitude towards you reaches to depths I never knew possible.  Our life is hard, but without you it would be unbearable.

It’s hard to explain specifics about what makes this stage of things so difficult.  And I have mixed feelings about how much detail I should share on the blog, for many reasons.  Some things are not hard to express, like the pressure of how to manage a hundred different doctor/therapy appointments, while trying to make sure our kids are not neglected physically or emotionally, helping them to understand why their Daddy is different, helping David to understand why he is different, trying to find ways to avoid high-pressure situations while still being able to have fun, anticipating and strategizing for breakdowns (his, mine, the kids’), finding and sticking to a routine and sleep schedule that works well for everyone, keeping the rental business functioning, squeezing out enough attention for everyone to feel loved and heard, trying not to allow the uncertainty to sink me into depression, all on top of the normal every-day demands of cleaning, feeding and mommy-ing that I barely managed to accomplish on any given day, even pre-accident.  Oh yeah, and baby is due any time in the next 2-3 weeks.  There are so many things that are falling through the cracks that I can’t even think of what they are.  All I know is we are living on prayers (and on my mom, and on all the good people who step in and take care of us) and little by little learning how to be together again, while celebrating all the small milestones and all the small moments of goodness.

And every day counting my blessings that David is alive, he is home with us, he is progressing and we are not left utterly alone.  We have a new year ahead of us, of struggle and of learning, of patience and change, of humility and hope and failure and triumph.  I can’t say I’m excited or eager, but forward is the only way through and I resolve to keep us moving in that direction, with the guidance of He who sees the end from the beginning.