A Conversation With My Former Self

If I could reach back in time and have a conversation with my struggling self in the Neuro-ICU almost 2 months ago I would tell her that miracles happen.  That God has seen fit to return David to our life.  That he can accomplish all of his activities of daily living with essentially full independence.  He feeds, dresses, toilets and bathes himself.  Brushes his own teeth, walks up and down stairs, cooks meals, buys things at the store, speaks understandably, plays games, reads stories to our kids, attends church, cracks jokes, helps clean the house, keeps decent track of time (most of the time), has clear opinions about things, can balance on one foot, follows and participates in conversations, feels a full range of emotions, remembers things that even I forget.  He knows who I am and . . . he loves me.  He has an understanding of what it is that happened those two months ago, and sympathizes deeply with all that I and our kids have gone through during the excruciating time when his life, our lives, hung in uncertainty.  He worries about us, about our safety and well-being and happiness.  His desires to contribute, to provide, to protect and to participate in leading our family are intact.  He smiles, he laughs, he catches crabs on the beach, he plays with our kids.  I would tell my Neuro-ICU self that there are things about him that are different, that are hard.  But I think my former self would be too overwhelmed by ecstatic gratitude to pay much attention to those things.  She would probably laugh at me for even bringing them up.

The problem lies in the fact that if I had been able to speak to my former self and put her mind at ease, to remove the pain of unknowing, I would have also removed the need to exercise faith, and thereby would have deprived myself of precious gems of truth that I now possess.  I am still discovering many facets of my character, my understanding and my testimony that have been changed, strengthened and clarified by the acute phase of this ordeal.  

If I could communicate now with my future self and be rescued from the uncertainty that still clouds my view of our future, would I choose to have that conversation?  Probably.  But one small piece of what I have learned is that “faith in God includes faith in His timing” (Neal A. Maxwell).  And I don’t doubt that the pain and the struggle and the patience and the faith that are required of me at this time will result in the acquisition of more precious truths and more changes and more growth that our Father desires to give me and my little family.