Thanksgiving

David’s progress has been too slow for me, but faster than some of the doctors expected.  But really, as they keep telling me, with brain injuries there really are no rules or set timelines.  Anything can happen.  He still sleeps a lot.  Sleep has always been his default setting when he is sick or in pain (or in church) and he is just exhausted all the time from his body regenerating and healing.  When he is awake he is very alert.  He follows voices, he looks at me with meaning and feeling, although I can’t always tell what it is he’s trying to say to me.  He still has not spoken.  The lower part of his face stays fairly immobile.  His left eye, both eyebrows and forehead are where all his expression comes from, and really he has always been that way.  His right eye does not open, the current neurointensivist thinks it’s a damaged 3rd cranial nerve, which controls eye and eyelid muscles.  He was officially discharged from the ICU today, and will be moved to the regular hospital floor when there is a bed for him there.  He was able to sit up on his own for a few minutes today, and he looked like he was ready to make a run for the door!

Thanksgiving has been. . . excruciating.  So hard to see all the families we know, intact and smiling and spending time together making memories.  It’s hard not to feel jipped, and a little angry, that our family is missing a critical piece at such a special time of year.  And it’s really painful to me that the memories the kids and I make this year will not all be shared with their Daddy.

But, this being a day of thanks, the following are some things (far from an exhaustive list) I am eternally grateful for:

• David is alive and recovering, and hope still remains for his return to full function as head of our family, Daddy to our babies, and eternal companion of my soul
• Our children.  Their wide, innocent, inquisitive, mischievous blue eyes.  Their strong, active little bodies.  Their vibrant personalities.  They are my heart.
• My own health, and the ability of my body to carry and bring another beautiful little life into the world.
• The beauty of this island, this world.  The safe haven of the home that I currently enjoy.
• The unimaginable love, prayer and support I have received from all sides.  I have been so touched and so humbled at the sheer volume and scope of what has been done, and continues to be done, for us.  Who are we to merit such great love?
• My mom, who has been my savior this past 10 days.  To be completely confident that my kids are well taken care of has made this time bearable.  I’m sure I would have broken down completely if it hadn’t been for her coming to my rescue.
• The gospel of Jesus Christ.  The knowledge of our Father’s plan for us.  The testimony I have of many parts of His gospel.  Faith in things that are not seen but that are true, that are real.  I don’t have a knowledge or testimony of all things, but I am a work in progress.  And I am grateful for the time in this life I have to continue to make that progress, to learn more, to know more.

I spent some time with David today going through pictures on the computer, and realized something else I can be grateful for is that we really have made the most we could out of every moment to this point.  I do not feel the guilt or regret that some people talk about when their loved ones are lost or changed.  We have spent our days together having grand adventures, loving deeply, being silly and crazy with our kids, working hard, feeling happiness and peace.  We have grown together through shared experience, becoming connected and intertwined in a way that was incomprehensible for us when our relationship was younger, fresher.  It feels absurd to me that we would not continue to go on merging and binding and bonding together.  And so, while I grieve for the memories we may not share this holiday season, I feel confident that we are not yet finished, that there is more to come.